William Faulkner

After reading The Sound and the Fury by Nobel-Prize-winning novelist William Faulkner, the Alliterates decided to invite Bill to join our ranks. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out.

Bill’s a tough devil to track down. We called information for Oxford, Mississippi, and were told William Faulkner was unlisted. The operator said that Bill could be found these days only in Yoknapatawpha County. This turned out to be a cruel joke. There is no such county. Failing all other avenues, we placed invitations on various Faulkner websites, inviting Bill to our April meeting. He never showed.

Now we’re glad he didn’t. We’ve learned that Bill has a drinking problem. He would doubtless have tried to keep up with us, a fatal mistake for such a short, slight man. Rumors say Bill often drinks to unconsciousness, thereby skipping out on the check. If he’d pulled that trick on us, we would have rifled his wallet. But his author photo was the clincher. Bill is not a handsome man—clearly not Alliterates material. It’s his loss.

Though stung by this first attempt to induct an honorary Alliterate, we take comfort in the fact that even Mr. Nobel was duped into giving his prize to this impolite drunkard.