Akira Kurosawa

The Nomination Committee was very excited to consider Akira Kurosawa as the first filmmaker Alliterate. Kurosawa’s reputation preceded him to the Alliterates mansion. He was honored throughout the world as well as in his homeland of Japan. His work had been praised by other great directors, such as Lucas, Spielberg, and Coppola. Adding to his cache, he had also written or co-written many of his films. A few of his films were even said to have fantasy elements!

He seemed like a natural for induction into the Alliterates.

Then the committee saw some of his films.

Sure, some of his work has action. His samurai films are particularly notable in this regard. But he really must learn not to mix his genres! The committee could barely suppress their laughter each time gunfire rang out in one of his samurai epics. Doesn’t he know that swords and gunpowder cannot co-exist in fantasy, never mind history? One renders the other instantly obsolete! You can either have a sword and sorcery film, or a gun film—not both! It just ruins the mood and destroys the willing suspension of disbelief.

And why didn’t Kurosawa just stick to the action he did so well? What’s this with films about doctors, a salaryman, and a civil servant who wants to build a garden? It’s very disappointing to go into a film expecting some fine swordplay only to be met with Men Who Walk On the Tiger’s Tail (talk, talk, talk!) or a boy who drives an imaginary train, or a bunch of weirdo dreams!

Plus, the guy was an amazing rip-off artist! It’s not enough that he stole stories from Shakespeare (MacBeth, King Lear)—everyone does that—but he also pirated some of the great films of all time and called them his own. His Seven Samurai is a blatant swipe of The Magnificent Seven. He stole parts of Yojimbo from both A Fistful of Dollars and Last Man Standing. And the two bumbling soldiers in The Hidden Fortress are clearly cribbed from R2D2 and C3PO from Star Wars!

And what’s this stuff with alternating points of view in Rashomon? Hasn’t that been done to death already? Great filmmakers don’t make their reputations by saying things that other people have said already!

Sorry, Akira, the Alliterates are looking for more integrity and originality in their members!